


A Second Chance To Live

by Sine_Wave_Rider



Category: Gundam SEED, Gundam SEED Destiny
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-16 13:55:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3490847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sine_Wave_Rider/pseuds/Sine_Wave_Rider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The wars took so much from us. Even in peacetime, life will never be the same again. Three years after the ceasefire, Athrun Zala returns to the PLANTs to visit Lacus Clyne. But all is not as it seems, and when a long-lost friend comes back from the 'dead', Athrun gets more than he bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with a friend of mine who doesn't have an account on here.

**Cosmic Era 71**

Athrun knew when he entered this battle that he probably would not make it out alive. He had accepted that a long time ago, when he first took on the responsibility of having his own team, the Zala team. Actually, he had accepted it the first time he put on the red ZAFT uniform. To choose a soldier's life is to accept the possibility of a soldier's death.

But he never would have expected it to end this way, in a fight against his best friend. The Strike was a difficult opponent, and Kira Yamato had already taken down Miguel, a skilled and experienced pilot. Athrun knew that he may die by Kira's hand, but if he went down, Kira was sure as hell coming down with him.

Nicol was scared. Yzak and Dearka may have called him a coward, but he couldn't help it. The battlefield was no place for him, but he didn't dare back down. He had a job to do, a duty to protect the citizens of the PLANTs, and if that meant facing the Strike in battle then so be it. He would do his best and he would hope that it was enough. After all, he had chosen this path. He thought about Yzak and Dearka, and about Athrun, his friend, fighting beside him. He wasn't alone. Suddenly, he didn't feel so scared.

Athrun had already engaged the Strike. He didn't want Yzak, Dearka or Nicol interfering here. This was his battle, and his battle alone. Yzak and Dearka had engaged the mobile armour that was protecting the Archangel and Nicol was nowhere to be seen, thanks to the mirage colloid armour of the Blitz. The Strike and the Aegis traded blows, fighting back and forth. Athrun was close to losing control, and he knew it. The Strike was gaining the upper hand, pushing him back. But suddenly, a mobile suit appeared in his peripheral vision.

Nicol wasn't scared anymore. He saw that Athrun needed help, so he knew what he had to do. Sometimes, the bravest people weren't the ones who feared nothing. Sometimes the bravest ones were the ones who kept going even when they were scared.

Athrun tried to call out, tried to stop him, but to no avail. Nicol's mobile suit had materialised and charged at the Strike, catching the Strike's pilot by surprise. The pilot turned his mobile suit away from the Aegis to face this oncoming attacker. Athrun tried to stop him, but his efforts were in vain. Nicol had his sword held high, and ran at the Strike with a reckless disregard for his own life. The pilot swung the Strike's sword, aiming directly at the mobile suit's midsection, where the pilot sits. Kira Yamato does not miss.

Nicol had hoped that his death would be instant, but he was wrong. He saw the sword tear a gaping hole in his armour, and the sword pierced the cockpit, and him. Pain like he had never felt before. A blinding white light from the sword. Over the intercom, he managed to whisper two words before his cracked helmet filled with his own blood, and death came for Nicol Amalfi.

“Athrun,  _run._ ”

The whispered words played through the speaker in the cockpit of the Aegis. Athrun could do nothing but watch, horrified. The Strike's blow was on target, and the mobile suit containing his friend exploded in a screech of metal.  _No,_ Athrun thought,  _no. Not Nicol. Not Nicol. Please, please not..._ he screamed.

“NICOL!!!”

 


	2. Athrun

Cosmic Era 76 – Three years after the ceasefire

The elevator doors pinged open. The familiar music wafted through hidden speakers as I walked out into the crowded PLANTs airport. People bustled around in every direction, but I could clearly make out the ZAFT soldiers among them. My two escorts stood by the exit, waiting patiently for my arrival. As an esteemed guest of chairwoman Lacus Clyne, I was gifted with two bodyguards and a chauffer every time I visited the PLANTs. It wasn't often that I left Orb to come here, so I always made the most of it when I did.

“Colonel Zala?” The taller of the two soldiers asked. He was about sixteen, tall with dark blonde hair. There was something familiar about his face. At my confirmation, he offered me his hand to shake. “My name is Lieutenant James Gladys, and I'll be in charge of escorting you around. We have a car waiting outside.”

I stared at him in surprise. “James Gladys?” I asked. “You wouldn't by any chance be related to the late Captain Talia Gladys, would you?”

He smiled sadly. “Yes, she was my mother,” he replied. The resemblance between them was striking. Once we'd gotten in the car, I told him that I'd flown and fought alongside his mother in the second war. He probably heard that from a lot of people, Captain Gladys was well known.

The first place I requested to be taken was the memorial graves of Rusty, Miguel and of course, Nicol. Even now, thinking about Nicol brought the sharp pains of the memory back. I really felt his absence sometimes, missed his piano playing, missed his smile, missed his laugh. Though I harbour no resentment towards Kira for what happened to him, the injustice of it still makes me want to scream sometimes. The wars took so much from us.

My escorts waited patiently at the car while I ventured into the graveyard. They were respectful enough to know that they shouldn't follow me in. Arriving at Nicol's grave, I was surprised to see a figure kneeling there, laying flowers at the base of the tombstone. I recognised the dark green hair and serene face as Nicol's mother. She stood up and wiped tears from her cheeks.

“Mrs Amalfi?” I approached her slowly, not wanting to startle her. She turned to look at me, and her eyes were confused for a while before she recognised me.

“Athrun?” She hastily tried to wipe away any evidence that she had been weeping. “My, it's been a while. You certainly have changed.” She laughed a little, but it sounded forced. “I haven't seen you since Nicol's funeral.” She stumbled slightly over the last two words.

“Yes, it has been a while.” I looked back down at the grave. “I'm sorry that I don't come here as often as I should, Mrs Amalfi.”

She shook her head. “No need to apologise. I understand that you must be busy. And you needn't call me Mrs Amalfi anymore. I left Nicol's father after... well, you can understand. A marriage can never really be the same after the death of a child.” I nodded as if I understood, but I didn't think I ever could. I wasn't a parent for one. And that wasn't my understanding of a marriage, either. I thought that you stuck together no matter what. I was shocked to find out that Nicol's parents had separated. They had always seemed like such a strong, supportive pair.

“But enough about me,” she laughed. “What are you up to these days? I heard you are quite high up in the Orb military these days, is that true?”

“Yes, I'm a colonel now for the Orb forces.” I replied. “And I'm sorry to hear about you and Commander Amalfi.”

She smiled sadly. “That's kind of you, Athrun. And he's a captain now, no longer a commander.” Her expression hardened and changed into something that looked like a mix of pain and regret. “You should pay Yuri a visit.” She said without meeting my eyes. “I think he would appreciate it, and... there are things he should tell you.” She looked as if she wanted to say more, but instead abruptly turned and left, leaving me standing alone at Nicol's grave, confused. I knew that there was something she wasn't telling me, and I wondered why.

I decided to do what she suggested. I hadn't seen Captain Amalfi for a long time either, and it would be respectful to pay him a visit. I directed the driver towards the apartment that he lived in. I had stayed there briefly during our time off from the Le Creuset team, shortly before we were posted to Earth. I remembered going to see Nicol at a piano recital, and I remembered accidentally falling asleep in the audience. Memories like that are always bittersweet. I look back on my time spent with Nicol with fondness, but those memories always come accompanied by the memory of his death, and his final cry of my name over the intercom. It still haunts me.

This wasn't actually the purpose of my trip. I had come on official business, as a representative of the Orb military, to see the chairwoman. Although, informally I had also just come to visit Kira and Lacus. I didn't see those two often enough these days. Whenever I made a trip to the PLANTs though, I always made an effort to pay my respects to my fallen comrades. It was by sheer luck only that I wasn't buried beside them. I survived, they didn't.

We arrived at the Amalfi residence, and once again my escorts waited at the car. I could tell from talking to him that James was a dedicated soldier, devoted to the cause of peace. Maybe it was his mother's death that gave him that dedication to keeping people safe, that sense of justice. The world needed more people like that.

I was about to ring the front doorbell when I heard something. Music. Notes of a piano drifted out from behind the closed door. The song was familiar, one of those classical pieces that you sort of know subconsciously, without really knowing it. I was momentarily taken aback. I hadn't heard music like that since, well, since Nicol died. The music was slow and melodic, and it reminded me of the kind of music that Nicol used to play. Believe it or not, there had been a piano on the first ship we were assigned to on the Le Creuset team. I always used to listen to Nicol practise.

I wondered who could possibly be playing. I knew that Nicol's mother had been fond of music, a piano player herself, I think. But after the conversation we'd had at the graveyard, I knew it couldn't possibly be her. And I didn't remember Nicol's father being particularly musical.

I stepped forward and rang the doorbell. Three electronic bells sounded from within the house. The piano playing stopped abruptly, and I could hear footsteps coming towards the door. Whoever was playing the piano must be coming to answer the door, so I guess I'll find out who it was.

The door opened and my eyes widened in shock. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I must be hallucinating or something. This is impossible.

“Hello?” Nicol Amalfi said, opening the door.


	3. Nicol

I am playing the piano when the doorbell rings.

Father is terribly protective of me. He hardly ever lets me out of the house, cuts me off from the outside world. He says if people know about me, they will take me away, and he’ll never see me again. The outside world is a dangerous and unforgiving place. If I leave, I will never come back. Father says he can’t bear to lose me…again. 

Which is why I am so surprised to hear the doorbell ring. No one ever comes here, especially not when father’s away. I can’t imagine who it could be. Opening the door, I see a tall, blue-haired stranger standing in the doorway. His stumbles back a step when he sees me, eyes filling with tears.

“N-Nicol?”

How does he know my name? I feel like I should know him, but I don’t remember ever having seen him before. 

“I’m sorry, have we met?” 

There’s something about him – I think I’ve seen him before. But the memory is out of reach, no matter how hard I try to grasp it. There is a look of pain and regret on his face, but at the same time, joy and relief. He seems to be having some sort of an internal struggle with himself.

When he speaks at last, his voice is soft, barely more than a whisper. “It’s me. Athrun. Don’t you remember?”

Athrun? The name sounds familiar. Once, a few years ago, I was exploring the house while father was away. I had sneaked into his office and was looking though all his books when I came upon a dusty leather-bound album. It looked so neglected and worn, as if it hadn’t been picked up for years. Inside I found photos of someone that looked exactly like me – except not. I don’t know how to explain it – the boy in the pictures was a mirror image of me – except something was off. Something was different. I couldn’t remember being in any of the photos – but it must have been me. Confused, I had asked father about it, but he just told me never to go into his office again, and that was the last I ever saw of the album. I think he destroyed it. 

Athrun. I remember now. Near the end, there was a photo of me – or at least, the boy who looked like me - wearing a red uniform, standing next to a boy with blue hair – a younger version of the stranger in the doorway. Athrun Zala, someone had written under the photo. They – we – were laughing at the camera. We must have been really close. So why can’t I remember him? Athrun. I should know him. I should. It would make sense, but for some reason I don’t. I feel like my memories have been tampered with, like a whole chunk of my life has been erased and replaced. 

“I don’t think I know you, Athrun,” I say slowly, “I’m sorry, I truly am.” 

The light goes out of his eyes. The man – Athrun - looks so sad and lonely, as if all hope has been snuffed out. I feel like this is all my fault – but that’s crazy, I don’t even know him. But I can’t just leave him standing there, looking so dejected on the doorstep, so I invite him in.

“I once knew someone like you, that’s all,” Athrun says quietly, as I lead him through the empty house, the sound of our footsteps unnaturally loud on the hard floor. For some reason, I decide to take him into the piano room. Closing the door behind us, we stand in awkward silence for a moment.

Athrun looks me in the eye long enough that it starts to feel uncomfortable. His gaze is steady and relentless, and never once wavers from my face, as if he’s trying to figure me out. 

“Um…” I look away, feeling awkward. “Would you like me to get you a drink or something?” 

Athrun doesn’t seem to have heard me. He seems deep in thought, his eyes narrowing. “How old are you, Nicol?”

“I’m fifteen,” I reply, hesitantly. Why would he ask me that?

“Fifteen,” he murmurs softly. Athrun stares off into space for a while, as if he’s remembering something. He has a sort of faraway look in his eyes. I’m so confused. A random guy shows up at my front doorstep, and claims to know me. This whole situation should feel creepy, but for some reason it’s not. I can trust Athrun, I’m sure of it. I don’t know how I know that. Call it instinct. 

I still can’t shake off the feeling that I know Athrun from somewhere. As if…as if we were friends…in another life or something. But that’s ridiculous, isn’t it? 

“I’m sorry,” I apologise again, because I feel like it’s all I do right now. “I should know you, shouldn’t I?”

Athrun snaps out of his daze, and he looks around with confusion, as if he’s only just realised where he is. He takes a deep breath, and shakes his head. “Don’t worry, I’m nobody. Nobody at all. I should be the one apologising, for barging into your house like this.” He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He looks troubled. “Thank you, for this. I’ll leave now. It was nice meeting you…Nicol Amalfi.”

Athrun turns to leave, but suddenly the door opens, making us both jump.

“Nicol, is that you in there? Who are you talking to?”

Father walks in, doing a double take when he sees Athrun. His gaze switches from me to Athrun, first with confusion, then with anger. 

“F-father, you’re home,” I stammer, but he ignores me. Again, I get the feeling that I’ve done something very wrong, but I have no idea what.

“Athrun, come with me.” Father’s voice is a low growl. They know each other? Why am I the only one here who has no idea who Athrun is?

“Yes, Captain,” Athrun says softly, and shoots me a small, apologetic smile.

I start to follow them out of the room, but father stops me. “Stay here and play the piano, Nicol.”

“But…” I try to argue, but father shoots me a glare, and his eyes are so full of malice I stop abruptly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so angry before. I shrink back, opening the piano lid with shaking hands. Seeing my scared expression, father softens. “Stay, Nicol. I’ll be back shortly.” His tone is surprisingly gentle. Obediently, I sit back down at the piano and start playing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the two of them leaving the room. The sound of the door slamming shut behind them is covered up by the sound of my music.


	4. Athrun

Yuri slammed the door behind him after he ushered me into the dark office room. “What the hell do you think you're doing, showing up here!” he shouted, his face red with fury.

“What am I doing here?” I shouted back. “I came to pay my respects to your son, who is DEAD Yuri! You hear me? Dead! So you want to tell me what the hell is going on here!” A few years ago, I never would have dared to talk to someone like Yuri Amalfi this way, but I couldn't care less right now. My mind was spinning around in circles, I had no idea what was going on. I had watched Nicol die five years ago. Hell, I had helped to pull his freaking body from the wreckage. Now, he was here, living, breathing. Am I going insane?

“You have absolutely no right to be here!” Yuri growled. “Leave before I make you.”

I shook my head and stood my ground. “I'm staying right here until you tell me what the hell you did to your son, you bastard!” I failed to keep the emotion out of my voice. There is no way that Nicol could still be alive. No way. And yet...

Yuri managed to get a handle on his anger and calmed down slightly. I think that he realised he wouldn't get anywhere with me without an explanation, so he began by asking, “Athrun, have you ever heard of a man named Dr Al Da Flaga?”

What the hell did this have to do with anything? I knew the name, only because I'd flown with Commander La Flaga during aboard the Archangel both the wars. Kira had once told me that Mu's father had been a prominent scientist. “Yes, I know of him.” I replied. “What about him?”

“Well, he was once an acquaintance of mine.” Yuri went on. “Dr Da Flaga was a brilliant man, a visionary. He made many breakthroughs in the field of cloning, and established many laboratories in the cloning field. He even created a clone of himself before he died. The pioneering work he did was truly brilliant. And when you have enough money, that brilliance can be bought and sold like any other commodity.” Yuri said this with awe, but then his expression turned desperate as he said the next words. “Athrun, you cannot know what it's like to lose a child! Sometimes, you are willing to go to any lengths just to see your child's smile once more! I...I only did what I had to do!” Yuri's eyes were half-crazed.

My mind clicked. The pieces came together in my head as I realised what Yuri was getting at. “No...” I stuttered. “No, you can't mean....you didn't....You're saying that the boy standing outside, that...that other Nicol, is a clone!?” I couldn't believe what was happening.

Yuri nodded solemnly. “Someday, you may be a parent yourself Athrun, and then you'd understand. I had to get Nicol back by any means possible.”

I was shaking with fury. “Is that why your wife left you?” I asked, keeping my voice a low growl.

“Yes,” Yuri sighed. “She didn't have the stomach to do what was necessary, what was right for our son. She said I was going against nature's flow, but she was wrong. Nature didn't kill Nicol, the Earth Forces did. It wasn't his time to die yet.”

I couldn't contain my rage any longer. I grabbed Yuri by the front of his shirt. “What was necessary?” I yelled. “You bastard! How can you say something like that?” Yuri's eyes were wide, a mix of fear and hopelessness, but condescending too. “So everyone else who dies in the war, it was just 'their time'? You make me sick.” I let go of Yuri and he stumbled back a few steps.

He straightened out his shirt. “I didn't expect you to be able to understand, Athrun. You're just like my wife, no guts. Can't you see that this is a leap forward? I saved Nicol's life, for crying out loud!”

“Saved his life?” I asked incredulously. “The Nicol you knew is DEAD Yuri!” He flinched at these words but I kept going. “And what kind of life is this mirror-image living, anyway?” I yelled at him. “You keep him locked in here, away from the rest of the world! What kind of life is that?”

“That is for his own good!” Yuri cried vehemently. “If he sets foot outside, he may just get killed again! I can't handle losing Nicol twice Athrun, I just can't.”

“You can't lose someone twice, Yuri!” I shouted. “Nicol is already dead, and that...that copy is not your son! And how is he fifteen, anyway? How is that possible? He died five years ago, and he told me he was fifteen.”

Yuri sighed and looked away. “That is the one flaw of the cloning process, the one imperfection that they are yet to correct. You see, all clones are born with a genetic defect; shortened telomeres. It means that my son will age far more rapidly than a regular human. In fact, he ages about three times as fast. So instead of turning five this year, my son has turned fifteen. You understand now why I couldn't let him play with other children. They would notice his growth.”

I shook my head. “This is sick, Yuri. I'm sorry, but I cannot allow this to go on.”

Yuri stared at me. “What do you mean?”

I took a deep breath. “What I mean is that I'm reporting you to the PLANTs authorities. I feel sorry for you Yuri, I really do. I know what it's like to lose someone, and I know how badly you wanted your son back.” I remembered my own desperation when Nicol had been killed, my thirst for revenge, the feeling of being completely and utterly lost without him. Sometimes, even now, I hear a piece of music that makes me miss him so much I can hardly bear it. I thought about the others that the war had taken from me, Miguel, Rusty, Heine, Captain Gladys, Rey. None of them deserved to die, but they did.

“I know what it's like to feel grief,” I continued. “But that doesn't justify creating a human being for the sole purpose of filling Nicol's place!”

Yuri looked at me in despair. “You can't!” he cried. “Do you know what they'll do to him if they find out? They'll kill him!”

“The old ZAFT, maybe,” I explained, “but the chairwoman would never condemn an innocent like him to death. I know that for a fact.” Lacus would never even consider the possibility.

Yuri snorted half-heartedly. “Lacus Clyne is too soft for a chairwoman. We need someone strong, someone not afraid to make tough decisions.” I would not let him make comments about Lacus like that. I was about to stop him when he said, “We need someone more like your father was, Athrun.”

Something inside me snapped. I took a step forward and punched Yuri in the face. He let out a yell of pain, but I didn't stick around to listen to anymore of his pathetic attempts to justify what he did. I was about to open the door to leave when I realised that the music had stopped a long time ago. That meant..

I opened the door and Nicol was standing right there, tears streaming down his face. In a barely audible voice, he whispered, “Father, is this true?”


	5. Chapter 5

The boy standing outside, that...that other Nicol, is a clone!?

This can’t be true. It just can’t be. It’s impossible. I…I’m Nicol, aren’t I? I’m not a clone. I’m not. 

“Father, is this true?” As soon as I say the words, I realise that it is. The look on father’s face confirms it. Guilt, and anger, and a sort of half-crazed look in his eyes. “Please tell me this isn’t true,” I whisper in a small voice, as if words alone can undo what has been done.

“Please Nicol, I can explain…” Father is desperately trying to find an excuse, but now I know that nothing he can say will ever make a difference. He has liked to me all my life, and I have mindlessly believed him. I’m a clone. A freaking clone. How could I ever forgive him for that?

“I loved you too much,” He continues, “I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I had to make sure that you would live on.” That I would live on? Pathetic. 

“It’s not me you love, it’s him. It’s always been about him.” The boy in the picture.

It all makes sense now. Now I know why I don’t remember any of the photos. Why Athrun is a complete stranger to me. My memories haven’t been altered; they just never belonged to me in the first place. They belonged to him, that first Nicol. 

“Nicol, you have to understand…” 

“No.” I am sick of this. Sick of being manipulated like a puppet, of having my father control everything about me. This…this is wrong. This is all wrong. Cloning is illegal; father never should have done it. I shouldn’t even exist. Yet I do, I live a half-life, when so many others have died. As if it’s a second chance to live.

Why me?

I can’t take it anymore. This is the turning point. For the first time in my life, I defy my father.

“I will never understand, father. Never.” 

Then, without waiting to listen to whatever pathetic excuses my father comes up with, I run out of the room. The last thing I see before I slam the door is the expression on Athrun’s face - half pitying, and half in awe. 

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been outside. The air is cool and crisp, and so, so fresh. Everything looks brighter, as if a filter has been taken off all the colours. I feel as if I am seeing everything clearly for the first time. I take deep breaths as I run, relishing every moment of freedom. I have defied my father. I am free. 

But then, suddenly, all my courage and anger leave me, and the reality of the situation comes crashing down. 

I am nothing but a bad copy. A copy of something long gone. The sole purpose of my creation was to replace that first Nicol. 

I shouldn’t even exist. 

The tears come, and I don’t try to stop them. I just run blindly on. The world is blurry though my tears, like looking through a clouded lens.

I have no idea where I’m going, and I don’t care. People on the streets are asking me if I’m ok, if I need help finding my way back home. But home is the last place I want to be, right now. I need to get away. Far, far away. Away from the lies and deceit that have controlled me for the last five years.

 

Everything makes a strange sort of sense now. All these things that have always puzzled me are being explained. Like why I always had to take those pills. They were because I had shortened telomeres. What even are telomeres, anyway? All I know is that shortened telomeres are the reason why I age faster than normal, faster than makes sense. Why I am fifteen, when I should be five.

A part of me wonders what would have happened if Athrun didn’t show up today like he did. I would still be ignorant about everything. Perhaps, if it wasn’t for Athrun, I would live out my whole life knowing nothing of the truth, being locked away in the house, away from everything else. In blissful ignorance. 

If he hadn’t come, if I hadn't found out the truth, perhaps I wouldn’t feel as if father’s betrayed me, as if nothing he can do will ever make me forgive him. Perhaps I wouldn’t feel as if I could never return home, as if running away is the only way to make it all disappear. 

No, what has been done cannot be undone. Athrun has freed me, and I am thankful.

Eventually I find myself in some sort of a park. Or a forest. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s quiet, and private here. And shady. 

I’m exhausted. I’ve never run this far in my life. My mouth and throat are parched, but that hardly matters. I’m free now, free from father’s influence. At last I know the truth. For better or for worse. 

Resting up against a tree, I feel the rough bark dig into my back. All the colours are so vivid, all my senses seem heightened. I feel as if my eyes have been opened for the first time. All these new experiences I’m never felt before. Now that I’ve felt freedom, I can never go back to how life was before. No matter what father says, he will never be able to lock me up again.

I am free now. 

But then I look around, and I realise something.

All the trees here look the same. They’re just copies of each other. The same species, the same height. All modified and enhanced, all planted here for a reason, their spots carefully chosen. Everything here in the PLANTs is regulated and controlled. Even the weather is scheduled. I look up at the artificial blue sky, at the wisps of white clouds floating across it. There is no individuality, no element of surprise. The world loses its beauty, when everything is perfect. I am just like the trees. I am nothing but a copy of someone else. 

No, I can’t think like that. I close me eyes and feel the cool, pleasant breeze across my face. I am an individual. How I was created doesn’t define me. I may be a clone of that first Nicol, and we may look the same, but deep down, we are different. 

I am not defined by how I look, or what other people want from me, but by what I decide to do with my life.

Suddenly I hear footsteps approaching. Opening my eyes, I am momentarily blinded by the bright sunlight. When I manage to focus, I see that it’s Athrun. He smiles and sits down next to me. For a while, the two of us are silent. What must he think of all this? What must have been going through his mind when he saw me open the door?

Does he hate me? Does he hate me for not being the real Nicol, for existing when I shouldn’t? 

 

“Athrun,” I say at last, “Tell me about Nicol.”


	6. Athrun

I was shocked at first by his question. I was expecting him to demand explanations, or to cry or something. But he didn't. He looked me calmly in the eye and asked me that. It's something that the old Nicol would have done, and I feel his absence like a stabbing knife to my gut.

“Ummm, sure,” I reply, a little hesitantly. I never really speak about Nicol to anyone, mostly because I want to talk to someone who knew him. Cagalli never met Nicol, as he died before the end of the first war. I've shown her all the photographs I have, and I've told her about him, but it's not the same as talking to someone who knew him. And the only people who would understand are currently posted at ZAFT's Carpentaria Base, to the best of my knowledge.

“You don't have to, if it makes you uncomfortable.” Nicol says. “I just... I just want to know who I... who he was.”

I shake my head. “No, you have a right to know.” I reply, and I begin to tell him about Nicol. “I first met Nicol at the ZAFT training academy, when I was sixteen and he was fifteen. We didn't really have much in common,” I laugh. “but we both shared a dislike for war, something that was uncommon among our peers. Nicol loved music more than anything. It was his passion, his lifeblood, and when he played the piano, it..” I pause. “It lit him up. It was like someone flipped a switch, he became a whole different person, lost in the music. Actually, that was what made me admire him so much at first, his complete dedication to something that seemed so obsolete in a place like ZAFT.” I smile sadly. “Nicol was shy, and a lot of things scared him. He didn't want to go to battle, and he didn't want to kill people either. He enlisted in ZAFT because he wanted to protect the PLANTs. He was unselfish, and was willing to sacrifice anything, even his own life, to help someone else. He was brave.” A tear comes to my eye and I struggle to say the last sentence evenly. I blink away my emotion as best I can. I don't want to let Nicol see me like that.

Nicol pauses. “He sounds like a great person.” He looks down at his hands. “But I don't think I'm anything like him.”

I look at him sideways. “What makes you think that?” I ask.

“When I play the piano,” he begins, “it's not because I love it, because it's my passion. It's because Father tells me to, and I do what he asks. I don't play with passion, I play methodically. Like it's a maths problem or something. And I'm not courageous. This is the first time I've ever been this far from home, and it scares me. That doesn't sound much like the Nicol you knew, does it?”

I shake my head. “You're wrong.”

He looks up at me, confused. I continue, “You're right in saying that you don't share in Nicol's love of music. And I guess you never will. But you are like him in other ways.” I say. “What you did before, standing up to your father like that, takes courage. The Nicol I knew was courageous, and so are you.”

Nicol smiles. His smile is like a twisting knife in my heart. “Athrun,” he asks, “who was Nicol to you?”

“A friend,” I reply. “A very close friend. Someone that I valued and cared about.”

He nods. “And... how did he die?” he asks hesitantly

I breathe in sharply. I was not prepared for this question, not prepared to relive those moments from all those years ago. It still haunts me in my dreams sometimes, those last few moments of Nicol's life. Before he died, he was such a constant source of light. No matter if we failed to take down the Archangel, or the Strike go the better of us, Nicol was always there to put a positive spin on things, to make things better. When he died, it was like that light at the end of the tunnel just went out.

No matter how hard a story it is to tell, Nicol has the right to know about what happened. So I begin to speak, and I start at the beginning. I tell him about the academy, about being chosen for the Le Creuset team. Our mission to Heliopolis, and how it all went horribly wrong, about Rusty and Miguel. The Aegis, the Blitz, the Buster and the Duel, Yzak and Dearka. I tell him about the Archangel and the Strike, and about our mission to hunt them down. I even tell him about Yzak's scar. All the while, Nicol sits patiently and listens without interrupting.

Finally, I tell him about Kira Yamato. About being down on Earth for the first time, and how we sneaked into the military base of the 'neutral' nation called Orb. I tell him about our ambush of the Archangel, how we attacked it just outside of Orb's waters. Our mobile suits hadn't been adjusted to atmospheric flight, so the fight eventually ended up on land. And then I tell him how Nicol Amalfi sacrificed himself to save my life.

I expected him to be angry. I failed to protect Nicol that day, I have paid the price with my guilt ever since. I expected him to hurl accusations at me, but instead he says simply, “It wasn't your fault, Athrun.”

My eyes widened. With those simple five words, he reacted in the exact same way the original Nicol would have. Nicol was too kind to ever lay the blame on anyone.

“I want to see the Earth.” He says suddenly, breaking my train of thought.

“You what?” I ask.

He sighs. “Nicol died before he really grew up, didn't he? And I won't live for very long either, because of my shortened telomeres. So I want to see as much as I can in the time I have left. Will you help me do that Athrun?” He looks up at me. “I'll understand if you say no. This must be hard for you.”

I shake my head. “Of course I'll help you,” I say, determined. “You can go wherever you want. But first,” I add, “I think that there are some people at the Carpentaria base you ought to meet.” I haven't seen Yzak and Dearka in a long time, so I guess it would be good to catch up. “We can leave as soon as this afternoon, if you want.”

Nicol nods in agreement. “I just have to get my medication.”

Medication? I think. And then I remember Le Creuset and the pill box he always had with him, and I remember Rey taking medication too. It must be for the shortened telomeres. However, if Nicol needs his medication, this means that we will have to go back to his house, and see Yuri again. Great.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Yuri answers the door looking dishevelled, messy hair and bloodshot eyes. He straightens at first out of habit when he sees the blue and white uniform that identifies me as Colonel in the Orb military, but he slouches again when he realises it is me. He lets us in without even saying a word. I inform him that we won't be staying for long, we just came to pick up Nicol's medication.

Yuri looks so sad, so defeated. A transformation from the strong, dignified commander that I once knew. He must have expected to be caught someday, he doesn't even put up much of an argument. It is only once we are leaving that he turns to Nicol and speaks.

“Nicol, please,” he pleads. “Don't leave me here alone. If you stay with me, I promise I won't keep you indoors anymore.” I can't help but feel sorry for him. What he did was wrong, but he did it because he couldn't bear to live without the son he loved. And now that son is abandoning him.

Nicol shakes his head. “You don't have the right to make that decision.” I have to admire Nicol's strength. Yuri is still his father, after all.

Yuri stood straighter and raised his voice, trying to hold on to his authority. “Nicol, I will not allow you to leave.” But Nicol just walked right out the door, and Yuri collapsed in sobs.

 

Nicol now sits staring out the window of the shuttle. The first time the original Nicol left the PLANTs, he had been just as spellbound. Space really is beautiful. The bright whiteness of the stars and planets in the distance against the jet black background, and then Earth in all its glory. Swirling blues, greens and whites depict oceans and continents. You can never truly appreciate the size of the Earth until you've seen it yourself.

The voice on the intercom tells us the estimated time until we reach Carpentaria. I managed to secure us a private shuttle with only a few phone calls. Being Alex Dino, Ambassador for the Representative of the Orb Nation does come in handy. My trip to the PLANTs to see Lacus and Kira will have to postponed for now. This is a much more important mission. Mission. The word seems obsolete now, ever since my ZAFT days. There are few missions in peacetime, which is something I'm glad for.

“Is Earth as beautiful from the ground?” Nicol asks, his eyes glued to the planet outside his window.

“It is,” I tell him. It's beautiful because of the people on it, which reminds me. I'll have a lot to explain to Cagalli once I get back.


	7. Nicol

Stepping out of the airport at Carpentaria is like stepping into a whole new world.

It’s so different to anything I’ve experienced before. It’s all so bright, so clear. When we step outside, I realise that water droplets appear to be falling from the sky. Athrun tells me that it is called rain. Apparently it happens a lot on earth. It’s so different to the regulated weather patterns in the PLANTs, where it’s always clear and sunny. I lift my head to the sky, catching the droplets on my tongue.

Athrun laughs and tells me that I will get used to it, once the novelty wears off, but for now I am just enjoying every new surprise while it lasts. I can’t help but think that I’m dreaming, that it’s too good to be true. Sooner or later I will wake up and it will all be over.

Athrun watches me from where he is standing under cover, sheltered from the rain. He is wearing a sort of amused expression.

Suddenly, a woman with short blond hair comes out of nowhere, running to Athrun and wrapping her arms around him in a hug.

“Cagalli.” Athrun smiles as he hugs her back, “it’s been so long.”

She lets go and steps back after a moment, as if embarrassed.

Athrun says something about how he has so much to tell her, before introducing me. Cagalli’s eyes widen as Athrun explains who I am. She’s never met the first Nicol, but I’m sure she heard about him from Athrun.

We are escorted into a fancy car, and I somehow find myself sitting next to Cagalli, with Athrun at the front. Cagalli seems nice enough. She’s very cheerful and optimistic, but also seems quite responsible. From the way she looks at Athrun, I can tell that she cares deeply about him. But there is also a sort of distance between them, something pulling them apart. I wonder what had happened to make them this way. Perhaps some things will never be forgiven and forgotten, no matter how much time passes.

“Where are we going?” I ask, as we drive past the breathtakingly beautiful landscape. I can see the ocean, off into the distance. The water is a gorgeous deep blue, glistening where the sun is hitting its surface.

“To the Carpentaria base,” says Athrun, “There are people who would like to meet you.”

On the way there, Athrun tells me about the first time he met Cagalli. It was during the first bloody Valentine war, and they had crash-landed on the same deserted island. Apparently Cagalli had shot down the carrier plane Athrun had been on, before being forced to land on the same island Athrun was on. Whatever it was, fate or luck, somehow the two of them ended up on the same island. It was a turning point in their lives, and an unforgettable experience.

“You nearly killed me, the first time you saw me,” Cagalli says, “You managed to tackle me to the ground and restrain me, even though I was the one with the gun.”

“Although, to be fair, you did shoot me down first,” replies Athrun. “Actually, I would have killed you, if I had not realised that you were a girl,”

Cagalli scowls. “What’s that supposed to mean? The fact that I’m a girl doesn’t change anything.”

Athrun laughs. “You’re just as I remember, Cagalli.”

Athrun looks out the window at the passing landscape. “It was the first time I ever questioned the point of war,” he says, sounding contemplative, “Before that night, I had always thought of war as a necessary sacrifice. I followed orders blindly, without thinking about what I was doing. Meeting Cagalli made me wonder what exactly it was that I was fighting for. I realised that the deaths of innocent people are never justifiable, and that trying to solve problems with conflict was maybe not the best idea.”

“So many innocent people lost their lives in the wars,” agrees Cagalli, “And for what purpose? After everything that happened, it makes us wonder, what was the point of it all? Are we any better off now than we were before?”

\---------------------------

After about an hour we arrive at the Carpentaria Base. It’s a large and rather imposing building, seeming a little out of place among the bushland that surrounds it. Cagalli decides to wait in the car, saying that it would be better if it was just Athrun and me. As soon as we enter the base, we are met by two officers in uniforms, who immediately greet Athrun with some sort of salute. I stand there, a little awkwardly, feeling as if I should do something too, but not knowing what. We are escorted down the stark white corridors, until at last we reach a door with the name ‘Captain Y. Joule’ on it. “Yzak Joule, an old friend of mine,” explains Athrun, grinning. We knock, and a voice tells us to come in, sounding slightly annoyed at the interruption.

Athrun winks at me, before opening the door and stepping into the room.

“Athrun,” the man sitting behind the desk says, “What are you doing here…” his voice trails off when he sees me, and he opens and closes his mouth like a goldfish. Yzak looks at me incredulously, seemingly incapable of speech.

“You’re dead,” he says at last, as if stating a fact that should be obvious.

Well obviously I’m not. “Well, you see…” I try to explain. “I’m not Nicol. Well, I am, but I’m not exactly...” This isn’t really helping, is it?

Yzak turns to Athrun. “Would you please explain what’s going on?”

Athrun grins infuriatingly. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Yzak groans, but before he can say anything else, there is another knock at the door, and a tallish young man walks in. His eyes widen in shock when he sees me, and he stands frozen in the doorway for a moment. I seem to be eliciting this sort of reaction from a lot of people lately.

“Nicol, I’d like to introduce you to Lieutenant Dearka Elsman. Dearka, this is Nicol Amalfi.” Athrun is grinning. He seems to be really enjoying this.

“But you’re dead!” Dearka exclaims, “I saw you die!”

Here we go again. It’s getting slightly irritating. “It’s a long story,” I sigh.

\----------------------

In the late afternoon, Athrun takes me to the beach. We sit on the edge of a rocky cliff, looking out into the distance as the sun sets over the horizon. Athrun is looking out serenely to the horizon, the sunset lighting up his face with a warm orange glow.

I watch, mesmerised, as the sky slowly changes colour, from orange to pink to a dark navy blue. All is quiet, except for the sound of crashing waves. Athrun was right; earth truly is beautiful.

“You know,” says Athrun thoughtfully, “Ever since I met you, I’ve been thinking, what if there are more people like you?”

I look up, interested. “What do you mean?”

“Well, during the wars, I knew two people who turned out to be clones like you, Commander Rau le Creuset and Rey Za Burrel.” Athrun goes quiet for a moment, and I find myself wondering what had happened to them. Had they perished in the wars, just like the first Nicol had? Athrun shakes his head, as if to clear the thought, and continues. “Anyway, I was thinking, maybe clones aren’t that rare after all. Your father can’t be the only one who couldn’t bear the loss of a loved one, and wanted to recreate them. Maybe there are lots of other clones, but they are hidden away, just as you were.”

“In that case,” I say, “I would like to find out. I’m still finding it hard to believe that I really am a clone. It would be nice, to meet some people like me. Maybe then I won’t feel so alone. If there really are more clones somewhere out there in the world, then we should find them.”

Athrun grins. “My thoughts exactly.”


	8. Athrun

“So what's he like?” Dearka asked me as we sat down to eat. “Is he anything like the real Nicol?”

Nicol had fallen asleep in the hotel room we gave him about an hour ago. The stress of the day had finally caught up with him, so I suggested to Yzak and Dearka that we get something to eat from the base cafeteria. I hadn't eaten since before we boarded the shuttle, so I was starving.

I thought about what Dearka had said for a little while. “Well,” I answered, “he's a lot like Nicol in some ways, and very different in others. I mean, I've only known him for a short while myself, so I'm hardly the best person to ask. But in the time that I've known him, he's been smart, he's been trusting and he's been kind. So I guess he's a lot like the old Nicol.”

Yzak scoffed. Too much sentimentality for him. “I still don't understand this. What's his deal, anyway? What does he want?” Yzak asked.

I looked at him sideways, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what is he getting out of this?” Yzak asked. “Why is he trying to find out about the old Nicol? It's like he's trying to become him or something. I don't get it.”

I shook my head. “None of us get it, Yzak. But he's not trying to replace Nicol. It's nothing like that,” I explained. “He is just confused right now. How would you react if you found out your whole life had been a lie?” Yzak was always so suspicious of people, but he had no reason to doubt Nicol's motives.

“I just feel sorry for the guy,” said Dearka around a mouthful of food. He swallowed, and then turned to me. “So what did you mean before, when you said that there might be more like him?”

“It's just a theory,” I explained, “but if there has been three clones in existence that we know about, surely there must be more?”

“Wait,” interrupted Yzak, “three? Nicol and Commander Le Creuset...who's the third?”

“A pilot that I flew with during the second war,” I told him, “Genetically identical to Commander Le Creuset, named Rey Za Burrel. He died during the battle at the end of the conflict.” I haven't given much thought to Rey recently. If it wasn't for him, Kira and I would most likely be dead.

Yzak digested this information. “Okay, so there are three that we know of. And how much do you know about this Al Da Flaga guy?” Yzak asked. “He started this, didn't he?”

I nodded. “I don't know much about him, but I know someone who does.” Hopefully the Hawk of Endymion won't be too hard to find. Mu La Flaga was one person that I didn't keep in contact with after the war ended. I never knew him well, as I was only with him on the Archangel for a short amount of time, and half of that time he didn't even know who he was.

“And where is this person?” Dearka asked.

“Last I heard, Orb.” That's where all the Earth Forces troops headed at the end of the war. Unlike some of us, Mu La Flaga had made the decision to leave the military once the war was over. Orb was as good a place as any to start looking.

Dearka took this in. “Will you take Nicol with you?” he asked.

I nodded. “I'm not going to leave him behind. If there really are more clones out there, then Nicol wants to find them just as much as I do. Maybe there will be some way we can help them.” I shrugged. “Or maybe not. But we have to at least look.” I grinned up at the two of them. “Wanna come with?” Even Yzak cracked a smile at that.

Dearka laughed. “Do you even need to ask?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was getting pretty tired myself, so I decided to head back to the room I'd been allocated. Being a visiting colonel from the Orb Military, the room I'd been given was pretty luxurious. Walking there, I was practically falling asleep just thinking about my bed when I spotted a familiar figure walking a distance ahead of me.

Unsure of whether it was who I thought it was, I sped up to get a better view. It was definitely her. I called out to the girl with the familiar ZAFT red jacket and skirt and the short-cut purple hair.

“Lunamaria! Wait!”

She turned in surprise, and her eyes widened when she saw me heading towards me. “Athrun?” She asked in amazement. Her face broke out into a massive grin and she ran and enveloped me in a tight hug. “It's been so long.”

“Too long,” I agreed. I pulled back from her hug and smiled at her. “How are you?” I asked.

“I'm happy,” she laughed. “Much happier than I've been in a long while.” Just as she finished speaking, another familiar figure called out to her from across the room.

“Hey Luna!” Called Shinn as he approached. “Come on, we have to...” He did a double take when he saw me. “Athrun?” he asked incredulously, exactly as Lunamaria had a few moments before. “What the hell are you doing here?” His greeting was a little less warm then Luna's.

I laughed. “Good to see you too, Shinn.” And surprisingly, it was. I have many memories of wanting to hit him in the face, and a few of actually doing so, but I am actually happy to see him now. “What are you two doing here? You're not stationed here, are you?”

“No, just visiting for work. We're still stationed up in the PLANTs. ” Lunamaria answered. “And you?” Out of all of the Minerva crew, I think I missed Luna the most. I knew that Shinn and Lunamaria got married over a year and a half ago, but I wasn't able to attend their wedding in the PLANTs.

“Sort of the same, I guess.” I replied. “So what have you been up to? I heard you left the military for a while.”

She nodded and smiled. “Yes, and there's a reason for that.” She pulled out a photograph from her purse and handed it to me. It was of a little baby boy, with jet black hair and dark blue eyes. Lunamaria grinned. “We had a child, Athrun. That's our son.”

I was speechless for a few seconds, then burst out laughing. Lunamaria looked at me, confused.

“What's so funny?” she asked.

“The thought of Shinn being a father,” I chuckled. Shinn scowled, but Lunamaria laughed. “Congratulations.” I looked at the photo again. The little baby looked a lot like it's mother, with its intense deep blue eyes. “What's his name?” I asked.

Her expression turned a little sorrowful then, and she added quietly, “We named him Rey.”

Shinn put his arm around her and nodded. “Because we don't want to forget,” he said


	9. Nicol

Tense. That would be the word I'd use to describe how I'm feeling right now. I don't see Athrun much anymore, with him being a colonel now. His time is spent jumping between Orb, the PLANTs and various other ZAFT and Earth Forces outposts. And whenever I do see him, things are like this. They're... tense.

I know that it was my fault. When the second war broke out, I was lost. I was panicked and I was scared and with Athrun and I separated, I had no one to turn to. I let the pressure of the Earth Forces get to me, and I turned to the person who I thought could help me, but who was only using me for my title. And then I almost married him. I'll never forget the look on Athrun's face when he said those words. He had been arguing with Kira and me, and he had been angry, but when he said these words he was only full of sadness. “I know why you did it, but some things are unforgivable. Even to me.”

And then for a while, I thought things had changed. Athrun came back to us, filled with such regret and anguish. He had told me that he was wrong, and that he was sorry, and for a while I had hope for us. But in the end, nothing had changed. I know that what I did was unforgivable and I never expected it to be anything else, but that didn't make it hurt any less. When I saw Athrun now, he was kind and he was polite, but we will never go back to the way things were.

This whole clone debacle had thrown a wrench into my planning and scheduling. I was so busy these days that I barely ever had time to myself. However, I did agree to accompany Athrun and the others back to Orb at least, before returning to work. We didn't have long before the plane would take us there, so I decided to spend the remainder of my time in Carpentaria in the airport lounge, but something stopped me in my tracks. To be specific, a blue-haired green-eyed something called Athrun.

He was waiting at the end of my hallway when I exited my room, arms crossed, leaning against the wall. There were people coming and going, as this was a busy floor. When Athrun saw me, he gave me a small smile before walking over.

“Hey,” I said nervously. “Are you waiting here for something?” I asked.

He nodded. “Someone, actually,” he replied. “You. We need to talk.” He grabbed my arm and dragged me down the corridor until we were alone. Whatever he needed to talk about, he didn't want anyone else to overhear.

“Talk about what?” I asked him as soon as we were out of earshot of passers by. “You know we have a flight to catch soon.”

“I know,” he said, “and that's why I need to talk to you now. Because if I don't do this now, then we'll get on the plane, and you won't sit anywhere near me, so we can't talk then. And then we'll get back to Orb, and you'll be too busy to talk. And then you'll go back to the Cabinet, and then I won't see you again for about two months. And I can't wait that long, because...” he trailed off.

“...because?” I prompted, confused. What could he possibly need to talk so urgently about?

“Because I can't stand this any longer!” he cried. My eyes widened. “For three years I've sat by and watched you get on with your life, knowing that I'm not a part of it. For three years I've known that you would be better off if I wasn't. And for three years I've known that I don't deserve to be a part of it, because I wasn't there when you needed me, and I let you down. But I can't take it any more, Cagalli!”

His eyes were blazing with emotion and he sounded like he had to get the words out before he burst. “I...I..” I tried to stammer out a reply but the words wouldn't come. Athrun had nothing to apologise for, and to know that he had been wanting to say these words for so long was heartbreaking. But I was the who should have been making this speech.

“Just tell me to leave, Cagalli,” he went on. “If I'm completely out of line, if I'm bringing back unpleasant memories then I'm sorry. Just say so, and I'll never bother you again, I swear.” He looked me directly in the eyes. “But I can't just stand on the sidelines and pretend that everything is okay any longer. It's been torture every time I see you, because it's like you're behind a pane of glass, a border that I can't cross. But if seeing you is torture, being away from you is hell. It's worth the frustration just to see you again.”

“Athrun, I...” I tried to reply but he cut me off.

“And I know I don't deserve this, that what I did can't be undone.” He hung is head, not meeting me eyes. “I left when I should have stayed. I picked sides in a war with no right or wrong. And worst of all, I blamed you for what was really my fault for not being there to help you. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and now it's time to start fixing them. I understand if you still hate me, but I just have to know. ” He kept his eyes downcast, as if bracing himself for the impact of my words.

I smiled sadly, and then spoke quietly.“You have no reason to be sorry, and yet you tortured yourself for three years for this 'mistake'. You are the only person I know who would do that.” I looked up at him. “Besides, I'm the one who should be begging for your forgiveness. All this time, I thought... I thought that I had lost the one person who truly made me happy. And I thought that it must have meant that I didn't deserve to be happy.”

“But, Cagalli,” Athrun began, but I cut him off this time.

“Shut up, Athrun, it's my turn now.” He smiled, as if he'd been waiting for me to say something like that. “When you told me that you couldn't forgive me, it felt like the world was suddenly on my shoulders alone. It felt like I couldn't share the burden anymore, for fear of dragging other people into the mess I created.”

Athrun shook his head. “It was my fault, for not being there when you needed me to be. I left you to go help a the man who ordered the deaths of two of my closest friends.” He laughed without humour. “And you think you made mistakes.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Firstly, I make my own decisions, both now and then. I should have been strong enough to make the right ones, but I wasn't, and that's on me.” Athrun looked as if he still didn't believe me.

“We both made mistakes Athrun,” I said. “Let's stop punishing ourselves for them.”

He grinned at me. “The first time I met you, you tried to kill me. And now, you're saving me.” He chuckled. “Now I remember why I fell in love with you in the first place, Cagalli.”

I smiled back at him. “So things will get better?” I asked. “With us, I mean.”

He took my hand. “They will, Cagalli. I promise.”


	10. Athrun

When the shuttle took off from the Carpentaria airport about half an hour later, it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, one I didn't even know was there. For so long, I had been telling myself that Cagalli was simply better off without me. For years this had been my reasoning for avoiding her, for staying out of her life. But in truth, I think I was just scared. I was scared to find out whether she thought the same. But enough is enough, I finally realised.

Nicol sat staring out of the window excitedly. He had never even been on a plane until a few days ago, so he was still enchanted with the idea of flying. His naïve eagerness made me smile. It reminded me a lot of the first time that the first Nicol came to Earth. He was so excited then.

Thinking about the old Nicol always brings nothing but pain. I remember all the good times that I spent with Nicol, but those happy memories are always overshadowed by what happened the day Nicol died. The clone Nicol had told me that it wasn't my fault after he heard my story, but what does he know? He wasn't there. I'll never stop blaming myself for what happened that day.

Cagalli senses my unease from her seat next to me. “You okay?” she asks softly. She follows my gaze to where Nicol is sitting on the opposite side of the plane, and she doesn't need to ask to know what's going on in my head. Instead of waiting for a response, she just took my hand and then lay her head on my shoulder.

The shuttle touched down in Onogoro island not long after. The flight from Carpentaria was not long, as Orb is quite close to the ZAFT base. We exited the plane and made our way across the tarmac, shielding ourselves from the rain that had been pouring down all day. Once we got inside the terminal, a Orb forces officer informed Cagalli that an escort from the cabinet would be here to pick her up in five minutes, and then he saluted and left.

“Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm hungry.” Dearka proclaimed. “Is there anywhere decent to get food here?” he asked, looking around.

“I think there's a cafeteria upstairs,” I told him. “W should head up there, and take Nicol with us,” I suggested. Nicol was wandering around, staring at all the planes and machinery surrounding the terminal with intense curiosity. Yzak sighed in annoyance. He still hadn't warmed to Nicol's clone and still regarded him with wariness, if not suspicion. But he reluctantly agreed to take Nicol with us.

“Hey, you!” Yzak called to Nicol, who was staring out the window. He had chosen not to call him Nicol, so instead called him nothing at all. “Come on, we're getting something to eat.” He gestured for Nicol to follow him before he and Dearka strode away, leaving Nicol to run to catch up. Yzak turned back to me. “Athrun, you coming?” he asked.

“Just go on without me, I'll catch you up,” I called back to him. He nodded, and the three of them walked away, leaving Cagalli and I standing there on our own.

She looked at her watch. “My escort is probably here by now,” she said. “I better go.”

I nodded, and she turned to leave, but before she could I grabbed her wrist and turned her back to face me. “Wait, Cagalli. Before you go...” Before she had a chance to say anything, I kissed her quickly. When I let her go, I backed away, a hand raised in farewell. She seemed to be speechless, so I spoke instead. “I'll see you when I get back,” I said, before turning and running to catch up with the others.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

After we had eaten, an escort vehicle came to pick us up. I used my military connections to organise our transport out of the capital city and into the countryside, where Cagalli had told me that Mu La Flaga was currently living. Both he and Murrue Ramias had also joined the Orb Military forces at the end of the second war, however I didn't see much of them as they were in the maritime fleet division.

As we sped along the highway, I stared out the window at the ever-changing scenery. I have driven these roads many times myself, as Kira and Lacus lived down here for a while at the end of the Great War. The sun was just beginning to set on the horizon, casting orange reflections on the vast expanse of ocean that we drove past. Nicol was right, the Earth really is spectacular. I often take it for granted, but it is.

The car pulls up, and we step out onto a round paved courtyard. It is a two story house that looks out over a cliff edge, facing the ocean. The view is spectacular.

Nicol stepped out of the car, and stared in awe at the view over the cliff. I had to smile at his expression, half bewilderment and half pure excitement. He turns to me and smiles back.

“Do we have to head inside now?” Nicol asks, clearly wanting to stay out here for as long as possible, admiring what he can see.

“Yeah, let's get this over with,” Yzak said, impatient as ever. “We almost killed this guy numerous times during the Great War, and I have no desire to hang around and get chatty with him.”

Dearka shifted nervously from foot to foot. Unlike Yzak, he was regretful about the actions he had taken against the Archangel during the Great War. He received resentment after the war had ended for surrendering and deserting, and had only narrowly escaped being court-marshalled, but he still doesn't regret his decision. That being said, like Yzak I'm sure he doesn't want to hang around chatting away to someone that he once failed to kill.

Together we walk up and I knock on the door. There is some silence before we hear footsteps, and then the door swings open. It is Mu, dressed in his military uniform, his long golden hair untied around his shoulders. I called ahead before we got here, so he knew we were coming. Yzak, Dearka and I all salute to him when he opens the door, as is standard. Nicol isn't quite sure what to do with the three of us saluting, so he just stands there awkwardly.

Mu salutes back, and then drops his hand and smiles. “Long time no see, Athrun.”

I smile back. “Yeah, too long Captain. You remember Yzak Joule and Dearka Elsman, right?” I ask, gesturing to the two beside me.

He nods, “Yeah, of course.” I was expecting him to make some joke about their conflicted past, but he doesn't. He seems to be in quite a mellow mood, unusual for him. He turns to Nicol. “So this is the one you were telling me about?” he asks.

“Yeah, this is the one,” I reply. I had told him about Nicol over the phone. He nods, digesting this information, and then holds his hand out for Nicol to shake. Something seems a little off about the gesture, but I can't quite put my finger on what. Nicol shakes his hand a little awkwardly, and introduces himself as Nicol Amalfi. Mu ushers us all inside after that, and seats us down at the wooden dining table that is in the centre of the room. We all take our seats.

“Where's Ms Murrue?” I ask. I never normally see them apart.

“Oh, she's away,” he replies vaguely. That strikes me as odd as well, because I always thought they travelled together. And normally he can't shut up about her, because he's completely in love with her. But he deliberately steered the conversation away from her, as he is now talking to Nicol about something else, about the view or something. Something about him is definitely off.

“So, I know that you're here to ask me about my father's research,” he said as he poured us all some coffee. “But I'm afraid that I'm not going to be too helpful. My father never spoke to me about his research, and he died when I was fairly young.” And then, as I am watching him pour the coffee, it clicks. I know what felt off about him.

He is pouring the coffee with his left hand, and he shook Nicol's hand with his left. I could have sworn that Mu la Flaga had always been right-handed.


	11. Nicol

“My father never spoke to me about his research,” says Mu la Flaga, pouring us some more tea. Seeing our crestfallen expressions, he quickly adds, “But I’ve kept some of my father’s research material in storage. You’re free to have a look at that, if you’d like. 

Mu leads us down a seemingly abandoned corridor of his house, and to an old wooden door that seems likewise disused. Mu rummages around in his pocket for a key, and, finding it, unlocks the door. Wow, this place must really be old. I hardly see doors with locks that have to be opened with actual metal keys anymore, of all the places I’ve been to so far (not that I’ve been to many) the doors were opened with either voice activation, fingerprint scanning or by scanning an ID card. 

Mu turns on a light switch, and a dim light flickers and goes on. The inside of the room is filled with dust, and cobwebs hang from the walls. What seems like mould is growing on the ceiling. The room is filled with boxes upon boxes of books and notes. 

“Hard copies?” asks Athrun, raising an eyebrow. 

Mu shrugs. “More security this way.”

“Huh?” I was confused. How did that work?

“Well, even the best computer programs can be hacked into by someone skilled enough,” Mu explains, “And if someone was able to do that, then all the work could be lost. This way, if there’s only one copy, it’s a lot harder for someone to get to.”

Mu sees me look doubtfully at the old lock on the door. “Don’t worry,” he smiles, “This stuff was a lot better protected when f-father was alive.” He stumbles slightly over the word ‘father’. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Athrun tense. “But after he died, I thought there wasn’t much point in keeping it. I considered destroying the whole lot, but I just couldn’t bring myself to. After all, this was his whole life’s work and I couldn’t just destroy it all.” Mu’s talking very quickly now, almost ranting. “So here it is.” He gestures around at the boxes.

Mu sneaks a peek at Athrun, but looks away quickly. “Anyway,” he says, “I have to go now, but feel free to read through the research. Call me if you need anything.” And without even waiting for a reply, Mu leaves the room, almost running in his haste to get out.

Athrun exhales deeply. “Hmm.”

We start sorting through the boxes.

Records. Lots of them. Just as we suspected, there are a lot of clones. Cloning is a much commoner process than we had expected. All the records were all sorted in alphabetical order, and there had to be a few dozen of them at least. And right there at the top of the pile was Amalfi, Nicol.

There was me. My name, my gender, my date of birth – 31st of May, Cosmic Era 71. There was even a baby photo of me. But it was all so surreal, so strange. And what made it even stranger was that under my information, there was a photo of the first Nicol, his date of birth and date of death. And list of his abilities and achievements. Graduated the ZAFT Training Academy ranked third in his year, served on the Le Creuset team, pilot of the Blitz Gundam.

I decide to skip the next paragraph, as it explains how Nicol died and the injuries he sustained. I don’t want to know. I keep thinking that no matter what I do, no matter who I am, I will always be less than the first Nicol. His life has determined my fate.

At the bottom of the page is a string of code that I didn’t understand. I place the folder back onto the pile, feeling as it I had violated something. 

There are just so many of them, so many records. Some of the folders had big red Fs printed on the cover. We discover that it means F for fail, and that they represent all the failed experiments. There are a disturbingly large number of those Fs, making me wonder what had happened to those clones that didn’t make it. 

There are also pages and pages explaining the cloning process and how it works. Athrun reads through them intently, but I give up after the first paragraph. Too many long words that I don’t understand. The first Nicol would probably have understood it all. He was meant to be really smart, wasn’t he? But obviously I didn’t get his smart genes, because I have no idea what the notes mean.

It’s all so wrong. Clones shouldn’t exist. I shouldn’t exist. What has father done?

 

\---------------------------------

After a few hours Athrun decides to go outside for a bit. To get some fresh air and to clear his mind, he says. I can’t help but notice that he’s acting a little weirdly. His mind seems to be elsewhere, and he’s deep in though about something.

“Will you be alright here on your own?” he asks, hesitantly.

“I’ll be fine,” I reply. I don’t want Athrun to keep fussing about me like this. I’m not a delicate china doll. Nothing’s going to happen to me. Anyway, it’s not as if Mu la Flaga is capable of harming me. He seems like a nice guy, and Athrun knew him during the wars, didn’t he? 

“Indeed,” Athrun murmurs, as if reading my thoughts. He leaves the room, closing the door behind him absentmindedly. 

A moment later, I see the door handle turn again. “Is that you, Athrun?” There’s no reply, and I’m surprised to see Mu come into the room, almost as if he’d been waiting for Athrun to leave. 

His face is pale and deadly serious. He crosses the room in a few quick strides, and when he reaches me, he stares at me disconcertingly with those icy clue eyes of his. I edge backwards, feeling uncomfortable. 

In one lightning-fast, fluid movement, Mu pulls out a gun and before I realise what’s happening, I feel its cold barrel pressing against my temple. 

“You are going to stay quiet and still,” he whispers, his voice dripping with malice, “And listen to what I have to say. If you call out, if you try to run, I will shoot. Is that understood?” 

I open my mouth to answer, but I decide against it. Instead, I just nod slightly. 

“I am a clone.” Says Mu la Flaga.

I almost fall backwards in shock. Whatever I was expecting, it wasn’t this. So that’s why Athrun was acting so weird…he must have suspected it. Despite the gun against my head, my thoughts are calm. It’s almost as if I am detached from all this, as if it’s not really happening to me, and I’m just watching from afar. 

“You and I, we shouldn’t exist. We are an abomination, a crime against nature.”

His gaze is intense, disturbingly so. I feel like I’m falling into its dark blue depths but I’m afraid to look away. “We are the last ones,” he says. “You and I, we are the only ones left. There were others, many others. But no more.” 

“What happened to the others?” I ask breathlessly, even though I already know the answer. 

“I hunted them down and killed them.” 

I stand rooted to the stop, not daring to move, barely daring to breathe. It’s all so quiet, so still. Mu’s eyes burn into mine.

“We are the same,” he whispers. “Neither of us should exist, and when we are gone, the world would be a brighter place.” 

“So you are going to kill me, then?” To my surprise my voice is steady, and I’m not afraid at all. I know I should be, but somehow, for some inexplicable reason, it’s all starting to make sense. I shouldn’t exist. So if I die, it wouldn’t even matter. No one would miss me, no one would care. 

 

Suddenly, the door swings open.


	12. Athrun

I only heard a small sound coming from the small dusty room, but I have been a soldier long enough to know that sound. The various clicks of the bullet sliding into the chamber and the gun being loaded are unmistakeable to someone who has fired a gun as many times as I have. I knew something was wrong from the moment we got here, but now I know that I was right. Fearing trouble, I grabbed my own gun as I got up.

I ran upstairs to where I'd left Nicol, in the room with the research notes. Without caution, I swung the door open and barged in, gun loaded out in front of me. Years of being a soldier had prepared me for these kinds of situations. But I wasn't prepared for what I saw, Nicol being held at gunpoint by a man I had trusted as my comrade.

Nicol looked a little relieved to see me, but it was only a small amount of comfort as he still had a gun to his head. Mu turned and glared at me the second I entered the room. “You bastard,” he hissed at me. “Shout for help and I'll shoot him!” he said, turning so that Nicol stood between him and me. “And if you try to shoot me, you'll kill him yourself!”

I lowered my gun. He had me exactly where he wanted me with Nicol as his hostage. Whatever this was, I wanted it to end without bloodshed. One idea springs into my head, but I dismiss it immediately.

“Who the hell are you?” I kept my voice low, not wanting to make him angry or anxious, because then he wouldn't hesitate to shoot. “You're not Mu La Flaga, are you? You can't be! He'd never do something like this!”

“You're smart, I'm sure you can figure it out,” he said scathingly. “Dr Al Da Flaga didn't hesitate to clone himself, so why wouldn't he clone others? He created me himself, from the DNA of his son.”

My eyes widened in shock. “You're a clone? A clone of Mu?” I asked incredulously. This explained the off feeling I'd been getting from him, but it still didn't completely make sense. “But, that's impossible! You have the same scars as him! That can't be done genetically.”

He smiled, but without any real humour or amusement. “You are a smart one, aren't you! You're correct, I had to create my own scars. The pain was necessary for my mission.” I shuddered at the thought.

“Mission? What mission?” I glared at him.

“My mission to eradicate clones,” he said matter of factly. “We are abominations, crimes against nature. We destroy the delicate balance of life on this earth. Therefore, we must be destroyed, myself included. For years I've hunted them down, and finally, I've found the last one. My mission is almost complete, but there is one final obstacle. You, Athrun.”

Something else didn't make sense though. “If Dr Al Da Flaga created you himself, then that must make you at least twenty-five years old, and that's exactly how old you look. I thought all clones aged rapidly because of shortened telomeres, so why haven't you?” I asked suspiciously.

He smiled that humourless smile again. “Very clever. I'm impressed,” he said. “Shortened telomeres aren't a genetic inevitability of cloning though. In fact, they were programmed into the DNA of every clone except me. I guess my father just wanted me to live longer than the rest of them.” he laughed.

My hands shook in rage. “So you're saying that clones are designed to age rapidly, to die young?” I almost yelled, but kept my voice in check.

He shrugged nonchalantly, but kept his eyes on me, unwavering. “It makes no difference in the end. They, I mean we, shouldn't have the chance to live at all!”

In outrage I raised my gun again. Mu's grip on his weapon tightened and he pressed it harder against Nicol's temple. “Don't test me, Athrun! I will shoot him.” Nicol let out a little whimper, barely audible. Tears streaked down his cheeks. Frustrated and despaired, I lowered my gun again. This Mu clone is a danger to all of us, I can't let him live. But I don't want to try to shoot him either, because he has a gun too.

“Everyone deserves the chance to live,” I drawled slowly. “No one has the right to end somebody else's life. I learnt that the hard way,” I say, deciding that trying to reason with him is the best course of action. “You don't have to make the same mistakes. Just put the gun down, and we'll talk, Mu...”

“Don't patronise me!” he yells. “I've had enough of your sanctimonious idealism and stupidity. Who the hell are you to say how this world should run? We don't deserve the chance to live! We're not even real humans, we're just copies of an original. This is the only course of action to take! This is the righteous path! This is justice!”

“You can't just go around killing who you please!” I shout back. “That's not justice, or righteousness. That's nothing but murder!” I glare at him with hatred. “Nicol, and all of the rest of you clones, at least deserve the chance to live your own lives the way you choose in peace! Just let him go!” I yell desperately.

He laughs incredulously. “Let him go? This one here is the biggest abomination of us all!” he yells at me. “He had his chance to live his life, and it ended the way every life does, with death! Nicol Amalfi died, Athrun. Don't kid yourself! No one gets a second chance!”

He needs to be stopped. Even once he's killed Nicol, accomplished his 'mission', he won't stop inflicting his vigilante justice on humanity. People like him, and like my father too, do not have the right to enact their own judgement on the rest of humanity. I can't let him get away with his crimes, and I can't let him leave this room alive. But what can I do? He is using Nicol as a human shield. I know in the back of my mind what needs to be done, but my own emotions are screaming at me to do the opposite. The soldier in me has clearly seen the logical course of action, the only way to stop him. But I'm afraid that the rest of me is too weak to do what is needed. But I have to try.

I raise my gun once more. I can hear Mu's voice telling me to lower it, threatening to shoot Nicol, but it just sounds as if it's underwater. The next few seconds seem to last for an eternity. I seem to have become disconnected from reality, from my emotions, from everything else except for my hands loading my weapon, raised in front of me, pointed at Nicol's chest.

If I shoot, the bullet will pass through Nicol. Collateral damage will mean that it will then enter Mu's body, as he is standing right behind Nicol. It will kill them both.

I know that I will not miss. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for sacrificing Nicol's life, but it will be worth it. Mu has to be stopped at all costs. He is a murderer, and a danger to many people still living. The soldier in me knows that it is better to sacrifice one life than to risk the lives of others by letting him live. Deep inside me, I know that this is what the old Nicol would be telling me to do. He would willingly give up his life for others, I know that to be true.

My gun is raised, aimed and loaded. I am ready to shoot.

But then I see Nicol's face, tear-streaked and fear ridden. He is scared of pain, and more scared of death. I want to scream that I'm sorry but I can't. The two halves of my mind are pulling me in different directions, the soldier and the human. I move my finger to pull the trigger and I....I....I just can't do it.

I fall to my knees on the dusty floor, and the soldier in me lets out a small scream of frustration. I'm sorry Nicol, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, but I...

I'm not strong enough.


	13. Nicol

Athrun falls to the ground, sobbing.

I don’t blame you, Athrun. There was nothing you could do. How could you shoot a friend?

Two guns, both trained on me. If I move, I’ll get shot. Athrun can’t get to Mu without shooting me.

“Well, isn’t this a predicament?” I can hear the amusement in Mu’s voice. He knows that Athrun won’t shoot me, so he’s safe, as long as he keeps me in front of him. The room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. None of us dares to move. How much longer must we all stand here? Sooner or later the fake Mu’s going to run out of patience, and then Athrun could get hurt. That must not happen.

What about me, then? The more I think about it, the more Mu is starting to make sense. I shouldn’t exist. Nicol Amalfi died five years ago. So what am I doing here?

Since Athrun wasn’t strong enough, I’ll just have to be. But what is there to do?

Athrun knew that if he shot me, he would hit Mu as well, solving everything. But he couldn’t do it – he tried and failed. Athrun Zala is not a murderer. What are the other options, then? If Mu shoots me, Athrun would never stop blaming himself for it. The thought that he was unable to keep me safe would torment him for the rest of his life, and eventually drive him mad.

I desperately try to come up with a solution. I know one thing’s for certain: Athrun must not die, and I’ll sacrifice anything to keep him safe. Athrun must survive…but I’m expendable. A plan starts to form in my head. If I guess wrong, everything could be lost. Only one bullet’s needed. I’m risking everything – I only have one chance. Mu La Flaga has to die today, and I’m going to be the one to kill him.

“Mu, you’re right. We shouldn’t exist.” My voice shakes slightly. No, it has to be more convincing. He’s never going to believe you if you sound like that. I clear my throat and try again. “You and I, we are the same. We are abominations, and we should die.”

Silence. I hold my breath, waiting for Mu’s response.

“Yes…” he says softly, drawing out the word, “Have you come over to my side at last?”

No, I want to scream. I haven’t, and I never will. But I have to get Mu to trust me. I don’t want to do this. But I must.

“You are right. What you are saying makes sense now. I believe you, Mu. And now I know that Athrun must be punished for what he has done.”

Athrun looks up in shock and confusion. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but I have no choice.

“What are you saying, Nicol?” Athrun sounds so sad lost I just want to give him a hug. But I can’t. I’m sorry, Athrun. I’m so sorry. But I have to do this. I avert my eyes, not bearing to look at him.

“Athrun must die.” I sound so confident, my voice is hard and devoid of emotion, and it scares me. Surely Mu must believe me, I’m even starting to convince myself that Athrun should die... No, focus. This is important. “He is trying to stop us from doing nature's justice. He’s going against the laws of creation.” I have to get Mu to trust me.

“I’ll shoot Athrun.” I say suddenly, shocking myself. What am I saying? What do I think I’m doing? Suddenly, the gravity of the situation dawns on me. How did I get myself into this? Mu is silent for a moment, and I wonder if I went too far.

“Please,” I plead softly, “Let me be the one to shoot him. He tricked me into thinking that I deserved…that I deserved a second chance to live.” There, I said it.

“What makes you think I’ll trust you?” Asks Mu, pressing his gun harder against my temple. I try not to wince.

“You should trust me, because what you are saying is true. I understand now. I understand that Athrun lied to me. I am a crime against nature. I deserve to die.” I don’t dare turn around, but I can imagine the cogs turning in Mu’s mind. He thinks he’s won.

“Fine,” he says, and I breathe a sigh of relief. He believes me! “I'll let you shoot Athrun, but I'm staying behind you. I won’t hesitate to shoot you, if I find out that you’re lying.”

I am strangely calm and collected as I walk slowly towards Athrun. For the first time in my life, I know what I must do. I know my destiny.

The despair is evident on Athrun’s face. You betrayed me, I imagine him thinking. How could you, Nicol? I trusted you, and you betrayed me.

Athrun, this isn’t what you think it is. I long to tell him my plan, to tell him that this is all an act, but I can’t. If he knows, everything will be ruined.

I’m sorry Athrun. I’m so sorry. But I have to do this, since you couldn’t. Don’t you see?

I take the gun from Athrun’s hand and point it at him. My hands are not even shaking. I’m not scared anymore, I know what must be done.

There’s so much I want to tell Athrun. I want to thank him, for everything he’s done. For finding me, for saving me, for giving me a purpose. But I can’t.

I need to say something to Athrun, to help him understand. I owe that much to him. He needs to know that this was my decision. That I wanted to do this.

“Second chances shouldn’t be wasted.” I whisper, looking into his eyes. 

The confusion is clear on Athrun’s face. He hasn’t realised yet, but he soon will. I have to act quickly.

Do it, now. This is what I’m meant to do. It’s the right decision. I am strangely calm as I turn the gun around so that it’s facing me. I can feel the barrel pressing against my chest as I take a deep breath. My last breath.

I’m not afraid.

Athrun’s eyes widen with comprehension, but it’s too late. It’s over. Goodbye, Athrun. Thank you for everything.

 

I pull the trigger.


	14. Athrun

Nicol Amalfi fell to the ground, eyes wide open. He didn't expect it to feel like this, death. He thought it would be quick, a bang and then a bright light, but it wasn't. It wasn't.

Yzak Joule had a sudden uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, an inexplicable sense of dread. He looked at Dearka Elsman, his best friend, and thought that he must have felt it too. It almost felt like... deja vu. As if this moment had happened before.

Mu's clone fell to the ground as well, though a little slower than Nicol. He couldn't believe it, he had completed it. Completed his mission. Strangely though, he realised that he didn't want to die. He had not felt fear many times in his life, but he died scared. Scared of death itself.

The real Mu La Flaga woke up once again, in the dark. He didn't know how long he had been here, days, weeks or even months. Where....where was.....He stood up, feeling his way around the room in the dark. Where was she? He shouted her name, “Murrue!”

Cagalli Ula Atha was surrounded by people, and yet she felt alone, disconnected. Something wasn't right, she knew that much. She'd always had a knack for sensing danger, which often made her more determined to run headlong into it. But she wasn't the one in danger this time.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It wasn't supposed to end this way. Not again, not again....

I looked down in disbelief at the growing pool of blood spreading on the floor surrounding Nicol. I knelt at his side, and it stained my clothes and my skin, too. My hands were never clean of blood either, but now this has taken a grotesque literal turn. In contrast, Nicol's skin is pale, so pale.

He is gasping, short shallow breaths. In the back of my mind a voice says that the bullet must have punctured his lung, based on his breathing, in which case there will be nothing I can do to stem the internal bleeding. But I don't listen to that voice. Second chances shouldn't be wasted, he said. You were right Nicol, I'm so sorry.

“Nicol!” I shout at him, my voice full of emotion. “Nicol, can you hear me? You're going to be okay, I promise. You'll be alright, just stay with me. Nicol...” My voice freezes up when I see his face, still and calm. He is still breathing, but barely. His brown eyes are fixed on me, unwavering. A droplet of water lands on his face, and I realise that it's a tear, mine. They are streaming down my face, but I could not care.

I place my hand on his forehead. “You'll be okay, Nicol...” I say more gently, unsure if he is still hearing me or not. In the back of my mind I know that he is too far gone, but I am past logical, rational thinking now. All I can see are his eyes, still boring into mine. He opens his mouth as if to speak to me, but no words come out. I shake my head, communicating in that silent gesture that he doesn't need to say anything. I'm sorry Nicol, I let this happen to you, I'm sorry...

I look over to where Mu's clone lies, now still. He is already dead. He died with a strange expression of surprise on his face, like he couldn't believe that he was tricked. His chest is no longer rising and falling, and he is not moving at all. More than anything, I feel pity for him. He lived his live as a carbon copy of someone else, with nothing to call his own except his ideals, and his mission. Well, he succeeded at last.

Nicol is still looking right at me, into my eyes. He is crying too, but I don't acknowledge it. I know that he is dying, but there is nothing that I can do. The reality of that sinks in, and it feels like I was the one who was shot. There is a stabbing pain in my heart. It is cutting open the scar that formed when I lost my friend, all those years ago. It was my fault then, and my fault now. I was unable to protect those dear to me, and Nicol paid the price for that, twice now. I'm the one who wasted your second chance, Nicol, I thought.

Nicol takes a sudden deep breath, and it looks like it caused him a great deal of pain. He looks at me with a sense of urgency in his eyes. He looks as though he has something that desperately needs to be said, or he will burst.

“Athrun,” he says slowly, the word causing him immense pain just to say. “Athrun, stay.”

My eyes widen and I let out a sob. Athrun, run. That is what he had said the first time. He had told me to run, caring about my safety even as he was dying. And now, Athrun, stay. The danger is gone now, and all Nicol wants is for me to stay here, by his side. I will, Nicol. I will.

He takes a final short, sharp breath, and then his eyes glaze over. The spark in them goes out. All of the vitality, the excitement, the energy he possessed, fades away into nothing more than memory. Nicol Amalfi died five years ago, and he died again five seconds ago. I lost a friend and then found him, only to lose him again.

I close his eyes with my fingertips. I have seen people do this before, but I never understood why until now. I don't do it to make him look peaceful, or to make it seem as though he is only sleeping. I do it because I can't bear to see his big brown eyes staring up at me anymore, when there is nothing to light them up. I just can't take that empty gaze.

I stand up slowly, not taking my eyes off him. The door is still wide open, I didn't bother to close it when I came in, eyes and gun blazing. I have been nothing more than lucky in my life, I have escaped death too many times to count. So why is it that I, with my blood-stained hands that have seen their fair share of death, am the one that is still alive? It should have been Nicol who lived, both then and now, but life doesn't work that way, I've come to realise.

I finally turn my eyes away from Nicol, or Nicol's body. All I can do now is what Nicol would have wanted me to do. The guilt settles in my stomach, and the grief feels like a knife to the gut. The pain of loss makes me want to fall down next to him and die beside him. But he said that second chances shouldn't be wasted, so the one thing I can do now is to keep living, for him. For Nicol. Because he brought me back to life, too. He gave me a second chance to live.


	15. Epilogue

_**Three weeks later** _

 

The two best friends sat on the cliff top, watching the as the sun set over the horizon.

The gentle breeze ruffled Kira’s hair. He’d let it grow during the last few years, and now it was nearly shoulder length. It suited him. It made him look…older, somehow.

Athrun couldn’t help but think of the last time was been here. He had been with Nicol. The two of them had been sitting on the same cliff top, watching the sun set over the same horizon. It was all the same, but it’s somehow completely different. Everything had changed, and nothing would ever be the same again.

The first few days after Nicol's death had been the worst. Athrun walked around as if in a dream, in a haze of pain and regret and numbness. He just felt so…empty.

Now it has been three weeks. It was better now, but Athrun still remembered every moment as if it had been a minute ago. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see Nicol’s pale face as he had lain there dying, he could still hear the gunshot ringing in his ears.

If only he had realised faster. If only he had not been so blinded by Nicol’s ‘betrayal’, and handed over his gun without thinking. He could have stopped it. He could have thought of a way out…somehow. Nicol did not have to die. Athrun winced at the thought of having to return to the PLANTs and talk to Yuri again. By now Yuri would have found out about Nicol’s death, and he would hate Athrun for what he had done. It was all Athrun’s fault. If he hadn’t turned up on the Amalfis’ doorstep that day, none of this would had happened.

But it was his choice, a small voice at the back of Athrun’s mind reminded him, he sacrificed himself for you.

It had been the second time Nicol Amalfi had sacrificed himself for Athrun Zala. The first time had been over five years ago. So long ago, so much had happened since. But the memory still haunted Athrun’s dreams. He’s unable to let go.

Athrun did not know how long he had stayed in that dusty, empty room, staring into space in numb disbelief. It was like something inside of Athrun had snapped, Nicol’s death had been the last straw. He had felt so empty…like he had lost his soul, his heart, everything important to him. Yzak had found him, eventually, and coaxed him out. The police had arrived – too late, Athrun thought. They searched the whole house, and the real Mu la Flaga was found, eventually.

“They found the real Mu, finally.” Said Athrun, “And Murrue as well. Turned out the fake one had been hiding them in a cellar in his house. It had been soundproofed and everything. No one had a clue what was down there. It seemed like he’d been down there for quite a while.”

“I still can’t believe no one noticed that the other Mu was a fake.” Kira sighed and lay down on his back, watching the rapidly-darkening sky with a lazy smile on his face. “You’d think that someone who’d have noticed.”

“As I said,” Athrun shrugged, “He was a very good copy. Did I tell you he even created those scars himself so that he would look identical?”

Kira winced. “Ouch.”

“He was determined.” Athrun couldn’t help but feel a little sympathy for the Mu pretender. He had been so dedicated. He was willing to do anything to make sure that his plan worked. Failure had not been an option for him.

Again, Athrun’s thoughts returned to Nicol. He had been so brave in the end, so willing to sacrifice himself. Athrun had been the useless one, the one who had to be saved. Athrun no longer thought of the second Nicol as a clone. The two might have looked identical, but they had completely different personalities and they were special in their own unique ways. There was one thing they both had in common, though. Neither of them were cowards.

If Athrun had not entered the second Nicol’s life, if he had not returned to the PLANTs on that fateful day, none of this would have happened. Nicol would still be alive. Still living his lie, but alive. It was all Athrun’s fault that Nicol had died.

But the past was in the past. No matter how much Athrun regretted his actions, now matter how much he longed to be able to travel back in time and right his wrongs, there was nothing he could do. There are no second chances in life. What’s done is done, and nothing can ever change that.

He wouldn’t want you to think like that. He’d want you to move on, forget about it and stop blaming yourself for everything.

It was over. It was time to stop dwelling on the past and think about the present. Nicol gave his life so that Athrun could live, and so the least that Athrun could do was to be grateful for it and to live everyday to the full.

“…you’ll be rewarded for this, of course, you might be promoted again…” Kira’s voice cut into Athrun’s thoughts.

“Huh?”

Athrun realised that Kira had been talking all this time. Judging from the slightly annoyed expression on Kira’s face, Athrun had tuned out for quite a while.

Kira looked over at Athrun with concern. “Are you alright? You seem…distracted.”

Athrun took a deep breath, and when he exhaled again, he let go of the past.

“Everything’s fine, Kira.”

It was time to move on.

 

The end


End file.
